Joe T

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About My Dad

June 7, 1961 - February 9, 2018 

 

 

My dad LOVED anything to do with Alabama Crimson Tide. He loved watching Bama and carried on lots of conversations about them. Those were some of our most favorite chats, Bama football. We could talk for hours about it. He had every SEC and National Championship hat they had, in fact when he passed we bought the last one for him to wear for his funeral. We played the Bama fight song as his funeral ended because that’s what he would have wanted.
My dad had the biggest green thumb, he could grow ANYTHING. He always had the most beautiful garden and flowers. He loved talking to me about flowers and what types they were. I have several flowers in my yard that he rooted and gave me. I inherited that love from him because I love anything to do with flowers. My dad was so talented. He was a carpenter by trade and could build anything. Not just build it either, he built it beautifully. I have so many beautiful pieces that he built in my house and I am so grateful for that. He built and did work for so many people in our small town and I love hearing their stories about how great he was at his job and how much they loved him.
The last thing I want to share is my dad honestly had the biggest heart, some people did not even realize how big. SO many times he would do jobs free or significantly discounted especially for elderly. He loved helping others, so many widows in our community counted on him and expressed to me at his funeral how lost they would be without him.
The last few months leading up to his suicide were very bumpy but I had no idea the extent of how bad. My dad got a divorce from my step mom, he honestly walked away from all his belonging. She got everything just because he was not in a state to fight for any of it. He had battled some depression prior to the divorce but after he left her he honestly seemed to be better. His biggest stressor was gone, or so I thought. See…my real mom left when I was 6 years old for a life of drugs so my dad raised me alone until he remarried my step mom. At the time he thought marrying her was a good thing but honestly she never treated me or him right for that matter.
He had so much regret as to how he let her treat me. He apologized over and over and I told him it was ok, that was the past and we are moving on. He started dating again, although I had reservations because he went into more debt to make her happy. I tried to talk to him about being smart with his money but he honestly did not want to hear it. I believe he was still battling depression but he wouldn’t let me in.
The last few weeks before he died, his behavior had got more erratic and unlike him. He was staying in bed, etc. I never knew this until after it was over. The day of his death is one I’ll never forget. My uncles actually found him. He had went to a cemetery where several family members are buried. My uncle said he had made some statements that were concerning but he never told any of us. He was found outside his truck with a single GSW to the head. He was still alive when he was found and was airlifted to UAB.
Honestly I could not have gotten through that experience without the precious hospital chaplain at UAB. God sent him to me because in fact his son had too committed suicide. The hardest part for me was wondering where did my dad go, Heaven or Hell?? I knew what I had always been taught. The chaplain's words that night honestly got me through. He said Tara, your dad did not die instantly so we do not know what happened in his last moments. He may have repented and talked with God and gotten all things right. We cannot know this. So I choose to remember the good hearted, God loving Joe he was prior to depression.
A friend of mine after dad’s death said it best, “You know the problem with small towns is we want to help when it’s too late. Someone should have spoken up and told you things were not right. People should have told you instead of each other.” So, a huge thing I have learned is to speak up, if something seems off, let someone know. It has made me hyper vigilant when I feel someone is crying for help. Whether on Facebook, Instagram, or in person, if someone seems to be hurting let them know they are not alone. When my nursing students come to me with issues, I listen. I truly listen and if something isn’t right, I speak up.
I don’t want anyone else’s family to feel like I have if I can help it. I’ve also learned that telling your loved ones you love them all the time is even more important. Suicide and mental health is a real problem in our society, many people treat it as a taboo subject which only makes it worse. We have to realize it is a real problem that needs attention. Death by suicide is always treated differently than death of natural causes. They are not a stigma, they were a person with real problems. People must realize sometimes living with what they’re dealing with is worse than dying in their eyes. Thanks so much for what you are doing to raise awareness!!!!!!! Us suicide survivors can raise awareness and support each other through this, we are stronger people for what this has taught us.