My name is Kathryn and I lost my beloved mother to suicide in January 2018. My mother and I were very close, and I knew she was going through difficult times the months preceding her death but I didn't know how to help her.
After she passed, I spent many months feeling guilty. Not knowing how to process my feelings or survivors guilt I looked for help. I tried two different therapists and they had never helped someone dealing with grief from a suicide. It was so frustrating to have to retell my story over and over again trying to make a meaningful connection just to I could begin my journey towards healing.
I then found Michele Madden and her support group at the The Rock Church and began attending group meetings for SOSL. It was painful to hear others going through the same pain I was but eventually through sharing our experiences and feelings we gradually all started healing. It's not easy talking to someone about suicide. There is a stigma, I'm sure I don't have to tell you about that, but people are turned off the second you tell them. I'm not able to talk to many people about my mom. My mother's family says she died of a stroke. My mother's side of my family blames my father for her death and since I remained in contact with him, they have all but disowned me, my sister and our children. So I didn't just lose my mom but I lost her family as well.
I wish I had known the seriousness of the mental health signs pointing to suicide. I wish I had the strength to force my mom to stop drinking and abusing pain medications and seek help. I begged her to stop. She promised me so many times she would. Ultimately her demons overcame her as she stopped listening to her family and started only listening to them. Suicide does not solve problems; it does not end suffering. I am still here. I am still here and will forever be suffering the loss of my beautiful mother. Her name was Deborah.
I am so grateful for Michele and the support group that she has created. It got me through the hardest time of my life. My wish or hopes for the future is to continue to find healing. I continue to attend virtual support groups and stay in contact with my support group through these challenging times. I want to eventually learn how to help others or inspire others to share their stories and know that they are not alone.
