Chris R

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Life Was Good

By Irene Rowland 

It was a pretty day on the Friday of Labor Day weekend in 2011. Life was good. Envision a backdrop of beautiful trees with summer-green leaves and being embraced by glorious Georgia sunshine. My heart was singing as I cleaned and prepared for the special, long-awaited following day of merriment.  

Then we got the call. There had been a serious accident.

We were told that our eldest son Chris was in critical condition and on life support. We were about to embark on a journey that no one could have been able to imagine beforehand. It wasn’t supposed to go this way. Our 30 year old son, our eldest, had taken his life. No one even remotely saw this coming; it was completely out of character. Chris was intelligent, handsome, funny, well-loved and enjoyed spending time with many good friends, his girlfriend and brothers. He had lots of interests, talents and a passion for music. Chris had a heart of gold and went the extra mile for others both literally and figuratively. His legacy includes helping a friend with her newborn before work or on his way back home each day for several months. Among all the selfless gifts that he bestowed on others, he once traveled 45 minutes to bring soup to a sick friend and then immediately had to turn around to get to work on time. 

 

Nothing could possibly prepare a family for such unfathomable tragedy. Nothing could prepare a parent for such an unspeakable nightmare. It was surreal. It wasn’t supposed to go this way. There is no way to pave the way for something like this. Or was there? Many years of involvement with Bible studies, my moms’ prayer group, and a lifetime of Sundays sitting in church listening to homilies gave me the strength I would need for this journey. Although I did not memorize scripture by chapter and verse, bits and pieces of scripture nourished me and were unconsciously hidden in my heart. This was all part of the preparation that was already in place by the time disaster struck. 
 

During the first year after our loss, many days and nights, I couldn’t quiet the incessant chattering of my mind. I fell asleep and awakened to the recurring litany of what had happened, where we had been at what time and all the other heart wrenching details of our story. I’d memorized Chris’ note and would wake up reciting it. Over time, interspersed with the merciless tape which continued to play, I would find myself hearing lyrics of peace, hope and comfort floating around in my head as I went to sleep and as I woke up. 
 

Two years and 26 days after our loss, just as I was regaining my equilibrium, tragedy struck again. My youngest brother, Tony, Chris’ godfather, also died by suicide.  He too was a man with a big heart. Even though we knew that it was a possibility since he struggled with depression and was going through a terrible divorce, it was still a horrible loss. So hard to understand. Sometimes the waves of life knock us down repeatedly.
 

Despite living with a shattered heart, God has given me the ability to not be blind to the good that still exists in the world. Love will see me through. Love for my husband and our two remaining sons. Our new granddaughter and her mom, my siblings, family and friends. Love for my Christopher and Tony who will always be in my heart. And for my Lord who planted the seeds of faith and love in my heart. Faith has sustained me before and it will have to continue to give me strength now. What other reasonable choice do I have? My life has been changed in ways that I wish weren’t true and yet where my strength comes from is a truth that will never change. It looks like in unplanned ways, I was prepared. Life is not how I yearn for it to be once again, but I am able to enjoy life and see that it can still be very good.