Alan was a very brave, intelligent, caring and emotional man. He was raised in Albuquerque, New Mexico where he suffered from a lot of bullying from the 7th grade through high school. He was bullied because he was a straight-A student and called a "nerd." He was body shamed because of his weight and was constantly barraged with hateful words because he was a bit effeminate.
He left home at 18 because he thought his parents would not want anything to do with him if he came out as gay. He was far from the truth because his parents, even with a strict Catholic faith, embraced him and accepted him. You would think that would make everything better, but he went undiagnosed for the longest time with deep depression and extreme anxiety. He was unable to seek psychological help primarily due to the family's lack of money and insurance, so he suffered in silence. He was given a little reprieve when he met new friends while attending the University of New Mexico. Even though things changed for the better, he still suffered. That's what prompted him to move to San Diego where he could be by the ocean - the "only place that brought me peace." He told me that if he hadn't made the choice to leave New Mexico, he probably would have killed himself already.
We met in San Diego because he had a lifelong dream of learning how to surf. He wanted to explore the ocean and all it had to offer. I became his instructor and through the months of fulfilling each other’s loneliness, we came to love one another very deeply. I, too, suffered from depression and anxiety. Neither of us had insurance and could not find proper care so while not recommended, we tried to treat each other. To this day, I believe that if we had insurance to get therapy I would still have my Alan here today. He had a brief stint with County Mental Health Services but they were so busy that they couldn't see him for a month at a time, sometimes 6-weeks!
Our self-medication included making plans to explore California so we could be in our happy place as often as we could. We have a ton of memories but eventually he spiraled. We separated from one another for a couple of months. He moved back home to New Mexico and his depression got so bad that he drove to the Grand Canyon to jump. I was happy that he chose to call me because I was able to talk him out of jumping. I stayed on the phone with him through his drive back home. His parents immediately brought him to a hospital where they medicated him. He hated the medication and all its side-effects, including that some of the meds actually made his suicidal ideation even worse. To this day I question why these meds are prescribed to a suicidal individual!
I visited him once while at his parents. We both decided he needed to come back to San Diego where he found much happiness over anywhere else. We lived together and continued to love one another for four months until the fateful day. Alan died after jumping from the Pine Valley Bridge on May 22, 2019.
He left me a note that ended with: “I love you with all my heart. I love you with all my mind. I love you with all my soul.”
I’m not sure what compelled me to seek support, but I was fortunate to find the Survivors of Suicide Loss just one week after Alan took his life. There I found a place to deeply cry and be supported the whole while. I was able to share good and bad experiences and I learned from everyone else’s loss of their loved one. I still suffer from depression and anxiety, and have now been diagnosed with PTSD as well. I haven’t stopped crying since his death, and all the “firsts” will soon end on his first Angelversary.
And, yes, Alan stood up on his board and was officially a surfer! I love you and miss you, Babe.
